Good day readers where have you been hiding?
Me? Oh, I've just been sick with the flu, so maybe I was the one hiding, haha my bad. Anyhow for this week's... or perhaps month's dose of nonsense is in regards to the guilty pleasure that is watching B Movies, more specifically the Sharknado films. Now, I'm not a movie critic in the slightest but I would like to give my two cents about how this movie made me feel during my sick day; especially since I can't find an actual meaty summary of this film, granted I haven't looked all that hard lol. (Also props and love to my beautiful girlfriend who watched this with me while I was sick♥)
WARNING: I MAKE ONLY THE MOST "INTELLECTUAL" OBSERVATIONS EVER SO WATCH OUT :P
So without further ado, here are my thoughts on/retelling of...
So let's start with the premise, the movie starts off with some Capitán character making some shady dealings with an Asian gentleman, to be honest, I don't really remember what they were doing, all I remember was that el Capitán had some intense facial expressions,and then his crew member yelled out to him about the weather phenomenon known as the sharknado, at this point the crew members get sharknado'd and Capitán is what I assume to be double crossed by the Asian, after a pointless boat shoot out seen both are devoured and their sole purpose as further exposition for the sharknado is concluded.
Now the title sequence explodes on the scene and the opening credits roll before we are introduced to our main protagonist, Surfer and living pun, Fin (get it, because shark fins, sharknado OHOHOHOHO *dies*), and his friends Baz the Tasmanian and nameless surfer chick whom the opening credits sequence seems to close in on. So it starts with Fin and Baz going to the water, whilst nameless surfer chick is putting on her surf gear (which is half on already by the way) anyhow the scene transitions to a beach bar where attractive obvious main character waitress and pervy old man get some exposition as well, old man checks out waitress and asks her about the obvious shark bite scar on her leg, which she brushes off as being a "shaving accident", the scene then jolts back to the beach where sharks are now ominously emerging in the distance giving the illusion of suspense... After which surfer chick finally manages to finish putting her gear on (which was just the pulling up of her sit that she started getting to in the opening credits mind you) and swims out to meet Fin, she then makes a remark if he stills surfs despite being a slow ¨old man¨; ok first of all nameless surfer chick you took 2.5 expositions to put a top on so I wouldn't be calling others slow or old, secondly if he's older and obviously experienced why the need to taunt... *sigh* the youth... Regardless, she challenges him to surf, they begin together, fairly even and she pushes him off his board because, I don't know, and then a shark kills her for being a shoobie (Rocket Power!) to the main character, this causes panic, Baz is also bitten on the leg, but luckily Fin knows the art of surf board hitting and then they manage to get on shore, then lame killings continue to happen all the while instead of calling the police or coast guard people just run around in circles on the beach, pushing and trampling each other! (EFFECTIVE :D)
After which there is a follow up bar scene where everyone is beyond calm despite the super scary shark panic just minutes before, hot waitress makes moves on Fin who is also revealed to be the bar's owner, but he's all like "Nah girl, I'm too old for your crap, also Tara Reid was my wife and despite her being an immediate Bi--erm female dog to me we're going to go out of our way to save her!" to which hot waitress replies with something along the lines of "Ugh, you are married how many more secrets you be hiding?" and then I'm like, but he never made a move on you... EVER!! I mean he never gave you any intentions or set any expectations for you two that would cause this type of reaction to his "shocking" reveal, anyways-- then I think a giant sharknado wave destroyed the bar or something but not before an amazingly cool pool cue kill by Nova, the waitress!! The 4 main characters managed to escape just before all this, old man George even took his bar stool as a weapon, because he knows that he needs his iron throne to be the president of this new Sharknation, seriously my girlfriend and I both agreed that #GeorgeforPresident was the best course of action at this point. During the super dramatic escape there's one guy who doesn't get killed by a shark, but instead the sharknado's lackey, the ferris wheel... OF DOOM!!! Anyhow, they all get into Fin's truck and find that the streets are flooding and there's no where to go, the characters begin bickering in panic, as this happens our man Georgie tells them the best route to take, because he is revealed to be a high class citizen from Beverly Hills, this revelation is short lived however as Fin sees people foolishly outside of their cars being easy targets so he jumps into action prompting them all to do so, the streets begin flooding and sharks will undoubtedly soon start torpedo-ing in!! The main cast begins telling people to get to higher ground and yanking people out of their cars to avoid being sharknado'd, during this whole scene there's this woman banging on her car's window trying to get her dog out, why she doesn't have her keys... I don't know, anyhow she is hitting her window just hard enough for it to seem like she's trying but not hard enough to prove that she loves her dog, my man George sees this, and valiantly grabs his bar stool of destiny freeing the dog... everyone has vacated the spot by this point leaving George to be the lone warrior to die at the hands... erm fins of the shark menace soooo lame, oh and when this happens the waitress Nova starts crying, shut up you jerk, you had your chance and you blew it!
Side note: Props for George's like 30-40 second screams of agony and disbelief despite being buried by waves and sharks, lungs of a president I tell you!
Well after the tragic loss of what seemed to be the movie's best character the main survivors get back in the truck to follow the late George's plan; but how? !the waves are too powerful to drive through!?!" cries Baz in defeat, Fin reminds his surfer pal that if there's one thing he does know, it's waves and more specifically that they always come in 3's. Fun fact: I did look this up after the film and they actually do come in sets of 3's or 5's so maybe there is some legit science going down in this film... pfff.... anyhow I was pretty sick but they somehow make it to Fin's wife's home and his wife and daughter are immediate jerks to him, even though he drove all this way to warn them; then again he did arrive unannounced so I guess it's ok to be mad. Suddenly new boyfriend Collin shows up and lays down the law, since LA is the safest ever, and every time April (Tara Reid) would say something, Collin would use the force, like he moved his hand like Obi-wan and shut her up, you'd think with this immense power he would be an obstacle for our heroes, but no, sharks immediately pour in and kill him, then some "suspenseful" flooded house group escape bit happens and everyone lives another day, well except Collin, also in order to make this sentence run on a bit more, like this movie, I'd like to mention that Nova empties her entire shotgun on a single already dead shark and then laments at the fact that they are out of ammo... so dumb. After they escape Baz makes a much needed period quip because the shark blood demanded it so, and April mentions that they need to save Matt, Fin's son, who is in flight school; Nova again is utterly shocked by this ever growing family, as the drive off, April's house explodes from the water pressure or something, I would like to mention that the neighbors house is completely fine, must have been a pro-shark household, I don't know.
Then some boring character development happens and peace or whatever is achieved, as they continue on their way to Matt, Fin notices a dangling school bus and decides to save them, wife April calls him a jerk for caring about other people more than their son. We now get to see inside the bus, and there is a comical overweight teacher calming the kids, their panic is then soothed when Fin hits the scene saving everyone in the bus, even the teacher, what a hero♥. Alas this moment of happiness was abruptly stopped as the "nado" decided to chuck pieces of the Hollywood sign at our heroes, prompting a lame matrix dodging sequence for Fin, Nova, and the Teacher, after successfully dodging the dangerously famous debris, the teacher cleverly says "My mom always told me that Hollywood would kill me" and then it did, classic. After this loss of a fine educator the group strands the Children in what appears to be an abandoned firetruck and proceed to Matt's flight school or whatever, only to be hijacked by a Shark, a shark that tears open the roof of their car and breaks Fin's baseball bat, cutting his hand in the posses, oh nooo!!!
Side Note: Tara Reid's screams are so unbelievably bad I can't help but smile during this entire scene, also Baz protects the more and more useless Claudia during this scene.
Anyhow they manage to shoot the shark off of the car's roof, until to smell gasoline in just the right time in order to evacuate the car before exploding, it was all very dramatic. After this some more exposition happens in a general store of all places! Claudia questions Nova's name and then tells her to stay away from her heart breaking Dad. A news forecast breaks the awkwardness only to make things more awkward by prompting a "This is a government conspiracy" speech from the store clerk. Anyhow as they exit the store they find some Hollywood car rental place and they rent this huge truck with nitrous getting the group on the road again! Baz recklessly speeds through a road block causing the police to leave his patrol spot to give chase, during an apocalyptic sharknado this man of the law decided to stop getting people to safety in order to give this lunatics a ticket. Anyhow, nitrous is activated and cop is left eating dust, whilst the sharknado grows more powerful in the background. Ok, now I know I haven't been too enthusiastic of this film and you are probably wondering why I have taken the time to even summarize up to this point, well I'll tell you why, because by this point they reach the flight base or whatever where Fin's son Matt is supposed to be, and here my friends is where the BEST character is introduced!! Now, the group stumbles into the air base place and looks frantically for Matt, Baz notices the storm approaching and says that they need to "Get out of Kansas" because Wizard of Oz references are needed, followed by Nova hearing a noise, prompting her to investigate the source, shotgun first. She manages to find a group of survivors and Matt in a small nook and the rest of her group rejoices at Matt's safety! Matt is more confused by seeing his mom and dad together than the apocalyptic storm outside; regardless, Fin's group explains the nature of the Sharknado to Matt and his group, causing Matt's female instructor or whatever to question the force of this "natural" phenomena, the roof then begins to creek and a gust of wind yanks her out from the roof, causing all to panic and run back into Matt's safety nook.
Side Note: Now in this scene where Matt and this lady are introduced we are also indirectly introduced to Blue shirt and Red Vneck, but I simply refer to them as Blu and RedV, these two dudes are the best characters in this entire film in my opinion, MAINLY RedV,a nd you will see why in a minute. (Also while everyone was in a state of shock, it was Blu and RedV who called out to the group to get back into the nook, without their calmness the movie would have ended right here. #JustSayin)
At any rate the winds pierce through the building, ripping the place apart, however thanks to Fin's arm strength he maintained the door in place saving everyone. As the group makes its way outside they find a helicopter but it not only can't fit everyone (I say leave Claudia she brings nothing to the table) but it would be unwise to fly now that there are 3 Sharknados roaming the Los Angeles air space; not to fear however as Matt remembers there is a surplus store right down the lane with just the things that they need to survive. After shotgunning the door open (Classic Nova) they all begin more bonding and exposition, here Fin calls dibs on a chainsaw with his wife, and Matt and Nova create a blow up the sharknados with home made bombs plan as science dictates that this can somehow work; of course upon hearing this Mom and Dad are against it, even after Nova offers to be Matt's bombardier, and bickering continues. Meanwhile Blu and RedV are behind the scenes actually getting stuff done, because even though they don't have their flying license like Matt, they know time is of the essence and it is not the time for idiotic family squabbles... I mean think about it, Blu and RedV have been stuck in an air base all this time, they don't know if their family is alive or dead and now they have to deal with this poorly acted and emotionally unavailable mess of a "family" taking charge of saving the day, so lame, but they do it, and they do it flawlessly. Any-whom, Matt decides he's a man and he will do what he wants, and the rest finally begin working on bombs, all except Claudia that is who is off texting, God knows who, prompting papa Fin to have another unnecessary bonding moment during an inopportune time, because she can't stand how her mom and dad are so close now because of Matt, and never because of her, and how her Dad never tries hard enough for her, which Fin remedies by saying "I came for you first so shut up idiot!" (or something like that). After that noise Matt and Nova have a bonding moment about their childhood scars, Matt fell off a slide and Nova survived a shark attack that took her grandpa from her causing her to have this twisted vendetta for sharks as a species which is surprisingly effective for the current situation they are in; oh and Baz made a bomb with a smiley face on it for... comedic effect I guess?
Now the final plan of action begins and they begin loading the helicopter with the bomby bombs, while they do so, someone mentions that "the tornado is getting closer" however when they show it it is in the exact same spot they always show it in, and perhaps I am looking into this too much, but come on; as that happens Baz suddenly drives up in the rental car and stores some bombs in it for a contingency plan, should the helicopter fail, Fin tells his friend not to do it, it's a one way trip, to which Baz replies "You have a good family take care of them or something like that yeah...", then it shows the family hugging each other, Red V and Blu are completely ignored, but at least Nova is too for the moment so it's fine... however that is short lived and we cut to her and Matt taking off in the chopper, they make meaningless small talk whilst they approach the sharknado, sharks are flung in their direction but thankfully Fin is able to snipe them from back at base with a pistol #XAccuracy. As that all plays out RedV and Blu begin actually helping out with the possibly stupider plan B, but even so they are wise to cover their bases, seeing as the main family is not doing anything else to help; well back to the choppa Matt and Nova release the first bomb, killing the first sharknado but sending vengeful sharks hurling towards the main group, April the wife does something useful and kicks Fin a chainsaw that he uses to perfectly cut a shark in half, which is without a doubt the reason this movie exists for them, for this one scene.... however as RedV is setting up the back up bombs a shark is en-route to murder him, and since Fin and family are likely still updating their twitters about cutting this shark in half, Blu has to jump in at the last minute and sacrifice himself for his best bud... none of the main cast gives a crap either... sooo sad.
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| Sadness, looks like Blu wanted to be a little red too. :( |
Oh but soon after a shark grabs Baz's leg and yanks him into the sky, and Fin immediately notices but of course wife April grabs him back and cries that he "HAS to leave him" and that is the end of the best friend. Then we cut to an old folks home where we see old folks in a pool and watching the exclusive news report of Johni, with an "i" since, you know, they couldn't think of a better female reporter name, but it's cool since she dies instantly from a predictable shark attack... and again we immediately cut back to the chopper with Matt and Nova going to sharknado number 2, and they manage to take it down just as easily as the first, however just as the first the sharks fall near the main group whom is running towards the old folks home, Fin uses his plot armor to protect April and Claudia, however they speed up leaving MAH MAN REDV to die, like what the actual hell man!? Like you really didn't have enough room in your plot armor umbrella for one more? So stupid... after this the movie literally became un-watchable for me.... If you want to know how it ends, go watch it yourself.... But for now I'd like to take a moment of silence for the loss of the absolute best and most useful character in the movie Bobby "RedV" Lastname;
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| He could have lived to be like Anakin, but Fin didn't even turn around... #RedVneckLivesMatter |
https://twitter.com/alexarleo
And that's that friends, I hope you enjoyed my super amazing and PROFESSIONAL synopsis of this cult classic, "Sharknado", btw, my girlfriend and I also saw "Sharknado 2" but without RedV or Blu it was just not the same... :( and this friends is where I'll end it, as randomly and abruptly as it all began, FIN!
Much Love,
Wachi
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| Never be afraid to be bananas |
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