Wachi's Theories: "Onions the spawn of all that is wrong!!"

--Wachi's theories! Theories so out of the blue, they must be true!--

Good day Brotatos and Sislery sticks and welcome to a new segment I like to call Wachi's theories, a space where I randomly voice my thoughts on whatever topics I feel need to be rambled about; and today's topic just happens to be, Onions!

Now, I am sure you are wondering, why onions? Well, the answer to that is simple, everyone on this here planet has a food that they simply cannot stand, and I am not saying the foods that we don't like, for example I am not a fan of mushrooms, but will still eat them despite not really liking them, no dear readers, I am talking about that one food that our body rejects, it is gross, to see, smell, feel, and above all taste. Along with that thought, for those foods, whatever they may be, sometimes telling someone that you "don't like" or "hate" those foods aren't really enough for them to understand why you hate them so, and that is the case with me and onions. As a Costa Rican born, EVERYTHING has onions here, so it is very difficult for me to trust people's cooking as they will always sneak onion in, unless I make a worthy case against it, and therein lies the inspiration for today's post! 

Theory 1:

Onion and Eve;

That's right I am starting this Biblical, as I am sure you are all familiar with the story of Adam and Eve, Satan as the Serpent fathered the lie and got Eve to eat the "fruit" of knowing good and evil, and all artist's depictions of the event always paint this fruit as an apple, however if you read the account in Genesis chapter three you will see the item was only ever referred to as the fruit, nothing more. Now, note, that Satan is also known as the father of the lie, so who is to say he didn't lie about the fruit being a fruit, what if it was actually an onion, now hear me out on this, she ate the onion and as we all know sin was born, etc etc. This is why when we peel onions we cry, because it contains millennia of regrets and we as humans sub-conscientiously react to it with sadness, where no other fruit or veggie for that matter has that immediate affect. Onions are an evil reminder of what happened in that garden so long ago.... Huh? What's that? That God originally said you may eat from all the trees except the FRUITAGE of the tree of good and bad... well ok, fair enough, who's to say that in the original Garden of Eden fruits and veggies weren't both considered fruitage hmmm?? We humans decided to categorize these things by seed and seedless vegetation, so shush!

Theory 2:

Paging Dr. Onion;

I know what you are thinking, "But what about the onion in the sock theory?" and "Yeah onions heal us, onions are life, onions are love!" to that I say great, yeah that's right GA-RATE!! It seems onions actually absorb the evil toxins from our feet... but if that's the case who knows what other evil toxins they are sucking out, keeping us safe, and yet here we are, eating them anyways, and by doing that we are ingesting the evil toxins that get us sick! We are ingesting the toxins, maybe that's why there's so much corruption in this world, if we maybe stopped eating onions and just left them there to absorb the toxic evil of the world, we may just find world peace? You see, not so crazy after all. :P

Theory 3:
Onion Marriage??;
Here's my final theory for the day, as I get this one a lot. "Ok onions are gross, yes, but even so, you gotta love onion rings, OMG, soooo good!" To you I say that's the most dangerous of the onion consumption methods, why you ask? I'll tell you why :)
First of all look at what it is, it's an onion RING, for those that don't know, a ring is an unbroken circle, which in many cultures represents eternity, as such the ring is used in applications to signify something that is never-ending... which is why when couples get married they exchange rings as a marriage is supposed to last FOREVER, by eating onion rings we are making continuous vows to that dreaded vegetation, to the point where we find ourselves always cooking with onion since it "adds flavor", that is implanted into your minds by marrying the accursed thing!! Still think I am crazy, well check it, rings are also associated with religion and magic, something to be eternal, valuable, and very powerful... AKA the Onilluminati!!! That's right, by ingesting these wretched things in ring format we are allowing ourselves to be swayed by the Onionlluminati, I'll bet you my last plate of onion-less rice that both Hitler and George W. Bush enjoyed onion rings! I mean does no one find it weird that the actual origin of onion rings are unknown?? They just appeared in the early 1920's and no one questioned it!! Beware of the onions, I tell you friends food can and does taste amazing without their evillllll!!!

Don't be fooled, eat garlic instead!!!

*ahem* And that's that, haha I hope you all enjoyed this segment of Wachi's theories, I'll do them every so often. As for you readers, how do you feel about onions? If not them, what food to you completely abhor? I'd love to hear your own theories about foods you despise, if I get anything especially creative and fun I will consider doing a "Best of reader theories" post. 

Have a beautiful day and if you have any ideas for future theory posts, I'd love to hear about them!

Much Love,
Wachi