Greetings and salutations readers, especially my pizza-loving readers!! Tonight my cousin and I went out to try the famed "Pizza Attack" at our local Pizza Hut, as it was rumored to be an insane, all you can eat pizza-ravaganza; and well after experiencing it for ourselves, I wanted to do a quick and extra nonsensical entry to share my thoughts on this event.
Well, for starters, let me properly explain what pizza attack is... The premise of this event is that you pay 5000 colones or about 10 bucks, for all the pizza you can eat! Now that sounds like an amazing offer, especially for a pizza lover such as myself; not only that, my cousin's girlfriend, Judith, described it as a "vomit-inducing Armageddon of non-stop pizza," so with a recommendation like that we just had to go and give it a try!!
Thus the night arrived, the clock struck 7PM, and our bellies rumbled for pizza; it was time! We approached the restaurant, the hostess looked me in the eyes and smirked, "You boys here for the Pizza ATTACK!?" I nodded, making my glasses shimmer in the restaurant's lighting, signaling we were not only here for the event, but that we were ready to face the onslaught of pizza like champs; she immediately pulled us over to her, and stamped our arms with the seal of the chosen.
 |
| The seal of the chosen! #ArmStampsToProveIt |
We were swiftly seated, our glasses filled with gaseous pop, and empty plates were laid in front of our ravenous bodies, the carnage was surely soon to begin!! The first waiter appeared from the left side, he was carrying a hefty tray of pizza, like a war torn hero would proudly hold up his shield, but when he arrived he had only supreme pizzas... and as we all know those are tainted spawn, as they are infused with onion, my cousin took two slices, I however was here to fight deliciousness, not commit onion suicide..!! The wait for more pizza seemed unbearable after that, my cousin and I started contemplating if this was truly what one would call an "attack"... we thought that despite the restaurant being full of people, there wasn't a lot of people going around and "attacking" us with flavor. Which made us imagine how we could spice up this event, perhaps if it had better marketing.... Imagine this, a waiter with pizzas is unable to quench the thirst for marinara, the desperation causes a restaurant goer to not only knock the waiter over, but mount him, like one would a steed; the waiter would then whinny; this scene would be followed up by an sweet looking old woman shuffling up to the now horse waiter and kicking him in the jaw, tears stream down his eyes as he notices melted cheese all over the little old lady's shoes, she commands he licks it off, he reluctantly does so, the scene then freeze frames and the slogan "Pizza Attack where the cheese mounts you!!!" is sprawled across the screen!! No? Well that's fine, we had a second idea where this little girl notices her mother always melts cheese over herself on the eve of a pizza attack, when her daughter asks her about it, the mother gets very serious and tells her that she will understand better once she is older; flash forward 10 or so years, she is in her final year of home economics and she asks her teacher, "Teacher, why do mothers melt cheese over their legs on certain nights?" the teacher's face becomes stoic, she reaches for the phone on her desk, picks it up to her ear, and whispers "She knows too much." The ceiling over the girl suddenly opens up, and molten cheese oozes on to her, she panics, as she notices all the class making odd hand gestures whilst chanting "Pizza Attack! Pizza Attack!" then the screen would then freeze and the words "Pizza Attack where the cheese mounts you!!!" would again, zoom onto the screen..!! Yeah? No? Well what do you know? I am talking about the type of marketing that gets people talking! :P
Anyhow, as the commercial ideas begin flowing we are interrupted by an unnaturally shrill voice; "HAAAaaaAamM N' CheEeEeyessee??" like a pizza cutter would slice through a freshly baked pizza, those words shredded through the room, we looked over to this woman, with a toucan-esque nose screeching her offer to the table next to ours, being the entrepreneurial geniuses that we are we saw this toucan woman as the perfect mascot for Pizza Attack, her voice slices through any atmosphere and would be easily recognizable, she then arrives at our table and utters the same offer. We accept the ham and cheese and she continues on her way; finally I can enjoy some pizza!!
As the night proceeds we begin to notice that the waiters hardly come around for this "all-you can eat" extravaganza and when they do, we are quickly turned "irate" that they either offered supreme or ham and cheese ONLY, and became quickly envious of those that paid full price to get cheesy pops or pepperoni pizza, THE CLASSIC, why was it not a pizza attack flavor??
← What could've been. *cries*
In any case, we continued facing off the "attack" of pizza, if you can even call it that only to realize our drinks had run empty, now pizza attack did have a free refill policy that normal pizza purchases didn't, however, none of the waiters came out for a long time, that is, until, Toucana (what we decided to call the toucan woman) shrieked onto the scene, with some more ham and cheese pizza. We took this opportunity to not only get another piece each but asked her for a refill, she said she would return shortly with the drinks. After 15 minutes of empty glassery, we decided to signal Toucana again as she flew (pun intended) by our table, she noticed the emptiness and confirmed that we were drinking Coca Cola, before coming back with two pitchers. She first tried offering us some iced tea, but we respectfully declined as it was our day to pig out and we wanted some more coke as we did previously, she poured us our drinks and zoomed off again. At this time, we began to realize something, she kept pushing the iced tea on EVERYONE in the restaurant and yes, some did make the switch but most simply wanted coke, yet the iced tea pushing persisted, which made us wonder... Did she perhaps make the iced tea herself, mix a flavor packet with her toucan nose for extra flavor and therefore wanted people's opinions of it? Or was it perhaps something.... darker? What if, her mother married a good for nothing eagle man, or so she calls him, and he had this little toucan child with him, they married, but he has since flown off, died, disappeared, and now resentful mother has to take care of now in her early 20's Toucana? But not only that, we figured that her name was not actually Toucana, but instead everyone called her that because her step-mother spread it around as a cruel joke?? This would undoubtedly crush anyone's spirit and sense of identity, so the mother made her a deal, "Toucana!" she'd yell, "If you can sell all the iced tea that you made at your pizza attack event, I will return to you your name!!!" with such an incentive it was only natural she'd be shoving iced tea into people's faces. As we noticed all this iced tea madness, we got another slice of ham and cheese and thought of another interesting fact, what if her real name was Toucanisha, just similar enough to the mockery name so that no one would ever guess it? We theorized that if her name was to be uttered in a genuine tone her nose would grow, like a beak, which would naturally incline people to go back to calling her Toucana, yet, if "Toucanisha" were to be uttered a second time, again, genuinely, her nose would become a tropical rainbow of colors, its natural state, this would assuredly cause an uproarious applause, an applause the likes of which Toucanisha has never experienced. The following weeks would then be filled with reports from natural reserves and parks all over Costa Rica of toucans being stolen, people would truly clamor in confusion, though all would make sense on the eve of the next Pizza Attack, when the restaurant would fill beyond capacity, just to enjoy a slice with the now famous Toucanisha; as the restaurant engorged with an abundance of clientele they would all whip out the toucans they had stolen the weeks previous, in order to get them signed by Toucanisha!!! This "Toucanpalooza" of a Pizza Attack would only be interrupted by a small British orphan boy who stumbles in, it's tiny Tim, (how he managed to get into a Costa Rican Pizza Hut being poor is not relevant at this time) he would look at her and then the crowd and utter the words "God blesses everyone!" the world would then freeze at this point and the wind would howl "Pizza Attack where the cheese mounts you!!!"
Aw yeah, best Cinderella story turned long-winded commercial opportunity ever!! In the end, Pizza Attack ended and are bellies were full enough, as we were leaving Toucana was nowhere to be seen, probably because she was still trying to find people to sell her iced tea to, as we left the restaurant we could hear screams coming from the child play zone, no doubt Toucana was there, inside the jungle gym, attacking the kids so they will drink her tea...♥
And with that, we walked into the night; were we unimpressed by the attack itself? Yes!! But the secret lore of the night will be something we shall forever remember, good luck Toucana, sell that iced tea, reclaim your true self! For the real attack, is not in how much pizza we eat, but who we truly are by eating it. #WhereTheCheeseMountsYou (let's work to make this a trending unofficial slogan pls)
Take it easy everyone.
Much Love,
Wachi
Anyhow, as the commercial ideas begin flowing we are interrupted by an unnaturally shrill voice; "HAAAaaaAamM N' CheEeEeyessee??" like a pizza cutter would slice through a freshly baked pizza, those words shredded through the room, we looked over to this woman, with a toucan-esque nose screeching her offer to the table next to ours, being the entrepreneurial geniuses that we are we saw this toucan woman as the perfect mascot for Pizza Attack, her voice slices through any atmosphere and would be easily recognizable, she then arrives at our table and utters the same offer. We accept the ham and cheese and she continues on her way; finally I can enjoy some pizza!!
As the night proceeds we begin to notice that the waiters hardly come around for this "all-you can eat" extravaganza and when they do, we are quickly turned "irate" that they either offered supreme or ham and cheese ONLY, and became quickly envious of those that paid full price to get cheesy pops or pepperoni pizza, THE CLASSIC, why was it not a pizza attack flavor??
In any case, we continued facing off the "attack" of pizza, if you can even call it that only to realize our drinks had run empty, now pizza attack did have a free refill policy that normal pizza purchases didn't, however, none of the waiters came out for a long time, that is, until, Toucana (what we decided to call the toucan woman) shrieked onto the scene, with some more ham and cheese pizza. We took this opportunity to not only get another piece each but asked her for a refill, she said she would return shortly with the drinks. After 15 minutes of empty glassery, we decided to signal Toucana again as she flew (pun intended) by our table, she noticed the emptiness and confirmed that we were drinking Coca Cola, before coming back with two pitchers. She first tried offering us some iced tea, but we respectfully declined as it was our day to pig out and we wanted some more coke as we did previously, she poured us our drinks and zoomed off again. At this time, we began to realize something, she kept pushing the iced tea on EVERYONE in the restaurant and yes, some did make the switch but most simply wanted coke, yet the iced tea pushing persisted, which made us wonder... Did she perhaps make the iced tea herself, mix a flavor packet with her toucan nose for extra flavor and therefore wanted people's opinions of it? Or was it perhaps something.... darker? What if, her mother married a good for nothing eagle man, or so she calls him, and he had this little toucan child with him, they married, but he has since flown off, died, disappeared, and now resentful mother has to take care of now in her early 20's Toucana? But not only that, we figured that her name was not actually Toucana, but instead everyone called her that because her step-mother spread it around as a cruel joke?? This would undoubtedly crush anyone's spirit and sense of identity, so the mother made her a deal, "Toucana!" she'd yell, "If you can sell all the iced tea that you made at your pizza attack event, I will return to you your name!!!" with such an incentive it was only natural she'd be shoving iced tea into people's faces. As we noticed all this iced tea madness, we got another slice of ham and cheese and thought of another interesting fact, what if her real name was Toucanisha, just similar enough to the mockery name so that no one would ever guess it? We theorized that if her name was to be uttered in a genuine tone her nose would grow, like a beak, which would naturally incline people to go back to calling her Toucana, yet, if "Toucanisha" were to be uttered a second time, again, genuinely, her nose would become a tropical rainbow of colors, its natural state, this would assuredly cause an uproarious applause, an applause the likes of which Toucanisha has never experienced. The following weeks would then be filled with reports from natural reserves and parks all over Costa Rica of toucans being stolen, people would truly clamor in confusion, though all would make sense on the eve of the next Pizza Attack, when the restaurant would fill beyond capacity, just to enjoy a slice with the now famous Toucanisha; as the restaurant engorged with an abundance of clientele they would all whip out the toucans they had stolen the weeks previous, in order to get them signed by Toucanisha!!! This "Toucanpalooza" of a Pizza Attack would only be interrupted by a small British orphan boy who stumbles in, it's tiny Tim, (how he managed to get into a Costa Rican Pizza Hut being poor is not relevant at this time) he would look at her and then the crowd and utter the words "God blesses everyone!" the world would then freeze at this point and the wind would howl "Pizza Attack where the cheese mounts you!!!"
Aw yeah, best Cinderella story turned long-winded commercial opportunity ever!! In the end, Pizza Attack ended and are bellies were full enough, as we were leaving Toucana was nowhere to be seen, probably because she was still trying to find people to sell her iced tea to, as we left the restaurant we could hear screams coming from the child play zone, no doubt Toucana was there, inside the jungle gym, attacking the kids so they will drink her tea...♥
Take it easy everyone.
Much Love,
Wachi
 |
| Never be afraid to be bananas |
No comments:
Post a Comment